You’ve been thinking it. “It’s not the same anymore.” You’ve been feeling it. “Geez this stuff is killing my lungs!” You might’ve even tried to quit once or twice, or thrice. You feel guilty and angry with yourself for giving up every time.
It’s time to quit. Now. Not tomorrow. Not after the birthday party next week. Not after the Vegas trip next month. Now.
It’s scary to just stop what you’ve been doing every day for the past someodd years. What else are you going to do with your free time? You don’t know where to go or who to be anymore!
You are more than just some addiction. If the only thing keeping you attached to your friends and interests is your addiction, maybe they aren’t really friends and maybe your interests aren’t all that interesting.
You might have false starts and you might have moments of weakness. That’s ok. Cold turkey doesn’t mean perfect. Cold turkey means staying committed. It means picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and getting back on that turkey. You don’t end at failure. You start with failure.
It’s just an inanimate object. It’s not cunning or strong. It won’t kick you in the soft parts. It’s just a thing. Liquor, pills and plants are just things. Chairs, lamps and pencils are also things. Don’t lose to a thing.
There’s a saying in the comic book world. “A hero is only as great as the villain.” Is Superman going down swinging against a power hungry madman hellbent on destroying the world? Or is Superman going to die of a heart attack because he couldn’t stop eating Big Macs?

COLD TURKEY TIPS
Our resident expert provides his tips to quitting cold turkey

by Dae Kim

DON’T SET DATES

The key to failure is a New Years resolution. Waiting until after Christmas. After this, after that. You are giving yourself a reason not to quit. Just quit already!

DON’T AVOID TEMPTATION

If we have a habit of chewing our nails should we cut off our fingers? Don’t shy away. You need to get used to saying no. Look your addiction in the face while you’re beating it down.

DON’T KEEP TRACK

It’s easy to not smoke (or snort, or drink) at one single moment. It’s daunting to stare down a month of not doing it. Who cares how long it’s been? Stop looking back you sentimental fool! When someone asks how long it’s been you say, “I don’t know. I don’t really keep track.”

COMPARISON IS GOOD

Thousands of people quit every year. Some of these people vote republican. Some of these people are Yankee fans! Aren’t you better than some republican voting Yankee cheering jackass? If they can do it, you can do it.

WAIT ONE MORE DAY

You’ve been smoking, snorting and/or drinking for years. There will come a time when all you can do is think about it and think about it and think about it. It might even hurt. If you want to give up, give up tomorrow. What’s the worst that can happen? Your foot falls off? You’ll feel better and stronger tomorrow. Always wait until tomorrow.

DON’T LISTEN TO “EXPERTS”

You need medication. You need group therapy. It’s not your fault. It’s a disease. Attend my meetings! Buy my products! These people get paid to help. They want you to feel weak. They want you to feel helpless. It’s their job to be needed. You can’t change your own oil or mow your own lawn! You pay professionals for things like that!

STUFF YOU WON’T NEED

Tissues/hankie - There’s no crying in cold turkey.
Pouty lips - There’s no pouting in cold turkey.
Rubber chicken - When is a rubber chicken ever useful for anything? Serously.